Well, well.

So I did not go register the trailer.  Desi was supposed to show up Friday for that and Iconoclad, but I didn't hear from her. I  know she's been terribly stressed with a lot of things, so I didn't bug her.  Monday it is then, no excuses.

I did get into the garage and move a few things around, and get irritated at the amount of stuff I cannot do or don't know how to do, or have been left astray in the wake of others in the garage.  The trailer is still full of stuff, and now storms are rolling in.  A lot of it is heavy stuff I cannot do myself, so I am doubly irritated  The back gate is sprung again.  The people who were to get back to me on mowing did not.  I still don't have a charger cable for my trike.  Irritated, irritated. 

I did bring in the step stool tool box and started cleaning the tools. What a mess.  I can ell some of them are automotive, but do not know what to include and what to put away.  I repacked the WTF box, although I'm not sure it has what it needs.  There's duct tape and zip ties in everything.  I put away a few truck items, and brought in a little tool box out of Larry's truck box.  Office supplies,staples, tape, stickies, and so, so many pens and batteries.  And those Central wallets I like.  Figures, I just bought a wallet.  So that's a little bit done.  A drop in a large bucket.

Since I was hungry and having a crappy day, I ordered Chinese food.  China Star is apparently my most often called number, and I do not call them often.  They deliver without any of that doordash nonsense, and two lunches make several meals for me.  Tons of rice, and I eat the soup later.  I can freeze it all too.  I'm paying the price this morning.  Runny nose, sore throat, headache, ooky feeling, it sucks.  It never bothered me too much before, but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It is the preservatives, specifically sodium benzoate.  I know this, I avoid it in sodas.  There is so little in sauces I could tolerate it in the past, but this was too much.  Now I have a Mongolian Beef lunch all wrapped up in the fridge, and am terribly suspicious about it.  Too much sodium too.  Maybe I will just freeze it and worry about it later.

And I am spending a bit much on Loki things.  They bring me pleasure though, and I'm not going nuts on the expensive pieces.  I just had to have a Grandmaster for the party.  "Is that your Pain Stick, or are you just happy to see me?"  The Loki body pillow cover will give me something huggable as winter rolls in.

Hey, it's another post!

Two in one week~ish.  Wow.

I put on my new dress and took Loki to the movies.  Saw Downton Abbey, and I am glad I went.  I did love the TV show, so watching it all wrapped up was very nice.  Well done. I should have worn my pearls and tiara.  I actually have a number of nice pearl necklaces, including long opera length strands.  My tiara is iffy; some days I consider ordering a "real" one from India.  They're gorgeous.  What frivolity.  I won't, but I can dream.

My other new dress arrived, but the surplice top gaps wide on me, exposing my bosom.  Not cool. I can sew, and it is fixable.  I could return the dress, but it is now out of stock.  Cute cocktails print, so very unique.  I can fix this dress, as it is one I will love to wear.

Desi has tests at school and an impending new floor at home, so we delayed the Iconoclad trip.  I got into the closet to put a few things in the box.  Just going into the downstairs bedroom is heart wrenching, there's so much down there that is pure memory.  Mom and dad's things are in the closet too.  Ugh.  I hate that I have to turn a lot of it into money.  Ah well, better than having it languish in a closet.  I really need to sort and get rid of pillows, blankets and throws.  There will be blanket drives soon.

I have decided the flannels, the furnace, and the swamp cooler can wait until I return from Hawaii.  No rush.  I do need to do laundry.  This involves putting other stuff away.  I can do it.

I am stressed about the sheer amount of work which needs to be done in the house, the garden, and all the stupid Burning Man gear which is still  left in the trailer.  Next year, if I don't go, neither does one bit of my stuff.  Nice you have a social life, and obligations, and we're all getting older.  I need to find a better way. 

Tomorrow will be register the trailer day, followed by chicken and waffles.  Waffle, actually.  Yum.

Not much

The weather is slowly changing.  The house is chilly now, but I do not want to turn on the heater just yet, or the fireplace.  I haven't gotten my flannels down, just wearing extra layers and warm socks.  Using a heavier blanket, but the flannel sheets are still up in the top of the linen closet. 

I've been trying to paint.  I get a bit done, but then I am just so tired I quit.  This is pretty much how every project goes.  I want to do things, but I am simply too far down to be effective.  My hands ache, I cannot concentrate.  Time for my annual exam, make sure there isn't a physical reason adding to the bleak way I have been feeling.

This is not true depression, I think up art ideas, and make plans, and even get my work areas tidied up.  Beginning is problematic, as it carrying through.  Autumn means time for a silk flower swap, and Desi got the totes into the house for me.  I even opened one up this morning.  All I have to do is get the step stool out of the hall closet, take down the summer flowers and put up the fall ones.  About an hour is all it takes.  I want to do it.  I just don't. 

But hey, I did tidy and arrange the charging station, and took the dead tablets off the kitchen counter where they sat for a year.  Got the sink sparkling white, well, as much as the old porcelain does now.  I have a bunch of stuff to go downstairs, but I did get the counter tidied.  I do need to scrub it better.  Move the strands of dead battery lights I set down before Burning Man.  I did clean up the two things I want to take to Iconoclad, just have to carry them down and put them in the box.  Steam and mop the kitchen floor.  Get my burner basket clean.  So many tiny chores, I can make lists all day, and have Alexa remind me, but each task feels insurmountable. 

And then there's the weeks where I don't even watch Netflix, or Amazon Prime, or CBS, or my recordings on Xfinity.  I watch Andy Griffith or South Park reruns.  It's mindless and comforting in some ways.  Just let go and play solitaire with familiar voices in the background.

I miss me.

Into Year Two

The Year of Firsts is being me now, the year of mourning what was lost.  I lost so much more than MyLarry, I lost the future we had planned, I lost my identity as Mrs. Clayton, I lost being a housewife and intimate partner, I lost friends, I lost freedom and mobility. 

As I understand it, the second year is the year of hard hitting reality.  The truth is, while I can try to hire help, some "professionals" are better than others.  The latests debacle with the sprinklers shows that.  The basement did get water, I have probably lost the Persian carpet.  The yard kid has stopped showing up, I will need another lawn care person.  And until the e-bikes are moved, my backyard cannot be mowed.  I need to clean the toolboxes myself.  I need to get the bedding done and up myself.  The carpets are filthy, and if I do not clean them myself, they will not be done. If Lolo pees on something, I get to clean it.  The tub looks like someone murdered a grease monkey in there.  It goes on and on. I can ask Desi to help with many things, but she cannot carry the load.  She already does so very much, and I am so very grateful.  The pretty promises of friends were well intentioned, but have all proven empty. 

I have to maintain the house.  There is no question of moving at this point.  I am exhausted and afraid. 

Larry didn't just have boundless energy and the ability to push through and the desire to get things done, he also kept me energized.  Alone, I am so much less than who I was as a half of an outstanding partnership.  

The Temple

Good.  BUrning Man without Larry is hard and it sucked as much as it was wonderful.  Apparently, if I am hypnotized, and told I am in a stripper contest, I begin taking off my clothing....