What deams...

This morning I fasted as I had to have annual blood work labs done.  No coffee meant I had a remarkable headache.  After, I went across the street to Virg's, had a French Toast Monte Cristo, or most of one.  Their portions are huge.  Very, very chilly in the biting wind, down in the 30s.  Even my parka didn't feel warm, I needed a scarf.  Between the full tummy and the cold, I was sleepy as heck.

I got home and changed, and went back to bed.  Ferocious headache.  I slept on and off until almost noon, which is out of character for me.  During my last hard sleep stretch, I dreamt I was having a meal with Larry.  He was laughing and we were quiet happy.  He went to sign the check, and I took it instead, saying it would not go through, that I had deleted him from everything "that time when you were dead".  He seemed quite surprised, and I thought about how difficult it would be to add him back on all the accounts. 

Then I woke up.  It was nice while it lasted ...

Winter is coming

Two beautiful weekend days, two days to hustle to get the stuff done which must be done.  Wrap the roses, put away the hoses, insulate the faucets, get both rain barrels covered and in the garage, attach the winter down spouts, put away the spinner sprinkler, get the aloe vera somewhere warmer.  Sasquatch and the Buddha need coats and hats, or to go into the shed.  .I know I should trim the raspberries, sweep some of the leaves, but we shall see. I am physically tired.

I am trying to repair a print on canvas for Rowena.  It has a hole and a scrape.  I've done similar things to blank canvas and to paintings, this piece in quite nice.  She thinks it is a painting, but it is a textured repro.  I will not tell her.  Going well so far.

I made yogurt.  Turned my back on the milk for a moment, and it boiled. That doesn't matter much, but will make it grainy.

After doing so well for so long, Lolo peed on the bed again.  I think the fuzzy throws are just irresistible to her.  Ah well, that meant I got the flannel sheets down and washed the cotton set.  Now I can put away the summer sheets, and my summer nightgowns.  I needed to change the sheets anyway, it had been a grotesquely long time since I had. 

I got my autumn order of Lake Champlain chocolates in.  That's not a lot of goodies for the price, but it is a once a year treat.  Vermont truffles (5), cider caramels (7), and a small bag of vermont maple caramel leaves. Very wonderful. I eat one piece daily.  I also have way too much Halloween candy, and this year will be frigid.  Not as much handing out when it is cold, so I will need to freeze some, or give it away.  I got some teal allergen free candy too, and some toys.  At least the toys will keep.

Turn turn turn

I got my bottles of Boiled Cider today.  So good.  Essentially consists of Vermont cider which has been reduced into a tart yet sweet syrupy reduction.  Use it like syrup on pancakes or yogurt, or bake with it, or put it in tea or ginger tea, or sip little sips.  Autumn in a bottle, simply fabulous.  I had a little on goat cheese on a slice of orange-cranberry bread.  Mmmm.

Weird day.  I thought I had a doctor's appointment, but the online system had not sent a confirmation.  Doc was doing urgent care, and it was early, so I got in to get my water pill refill.  We talked, I got a referral for my hernia, and he wants to talk about something to elevate my mood and alleviate what might be depression instead of simple grief.  Hmmm.  Maybe I can talk him into a therapist instead.  I have not done well with mood altering drugs in the past, I am not eager to try.  We shall talk.

I came home and changed clothes into my nightgown.  Ten in the morning, and I was dressed for bed.  I dinked around some, did a load of laundry, tidied this and that, but the depression discussion swamped me quite unexpectedly. I cannot even identify the resulting emotions accurately, despair? Fear? Annoyance? Denial?  I was fine treading water.  I think.  I do not care for self-doubt. So I played games and watched some TV, wasted time online, and played with the cats.  Signed up for Secret Santa.  Took pictures of Loki. Put off bringing in the back mat, or putting away the rain barrels.

I have an eye appointment tomorrow.  It will be more expensive, but far less traumatic.

Dinnertime

I made a meal.  I thawed the pork loins, and baked them in the aluminum roaster with tasty spices.  I heated up rice, and peas.  A nice hot meal, with enough leftover for two more.  Once they cool in the fridge, I will decide if I shall have them this week, or portion them up and vac-seal them for later.  There didn't used to be leftovers.

The spices were a mix we got on Kauai a few years back, from the vanilla farm, a variant of garam masala,  I put a little low sodium Worcestershire in the bottom and the lightest glaze of the lilikoi syrup I got at the farmer's market in Hawi this last trip.  The rice was a Tasty Bites packet of brown rice we'd bought for Burning Man last year.  The peas were Le Seur, some of the last from the big stock up, also from last year.  With the exception of the lilikoi syrup, all of this food was in the house before, before, before.

As I plated up my food, I looked out the kitchen window, knowing I would have been calling Larry in from his chores to eat his supper while it was hot.  He'd bustle in and stomp around, washing his hands and grumbling I had interrupted his flow.  He'd be patting me on the bum and giving me awkward hugs while I worked, and I'd swat him.  Then he would carry the tray with the plates for me into wherever we were eating.  His gray cotton jacket he would have been wearing still hangs on the hook by the back door.  His work gloves went up in smoke in the desert. There is nothing here now but me and this pantry food, the and the ghost meat from the freezer.

I didn't cry much, but I screamed at the universe for a minute, begging for him to come back, to share a meal, gripe at me, all while giving me a grab and a hug.

This is why I avoid cooking.  Fuck.

Moving forward

Desi came over to take me shopping, we got the majority of the Halloween decorations put up out front.  I like my streamers, and the cats love to watch them.

I got one of the rainbarrels unhooked and rinsed out before the storm came in.  I just need to get it in the garage and covered up.  The big barrel is next.  I have the hose faucet open, so it should be draining.  The hoses will be next, before the freezing weather sets in. 

Logan came and got the hitch rack.  That helps with re-arranging the lean-to behind the garage. He also took the leather for Six.  We have not decided whether Six will pay me, make something for me, or if this is just a gift from Larry, but that's okay.  This is the leather which is very stiff and heavy, not something I can work with.  I kept the softer hides and sides, and all the tools.  I also have everything staged in the kitchen to go down into the basement, where I have a place for it other than in front of Larry;s closet in the bedroom. This is a true leap forward for me. 

Logan also took two pieces of cast iron.  One is a new griddle pan, for cooking bacon and steaks, brand new and never used.  He also took the big skillet.  This is the one Larry found in the dumpster in San Diego, along with a couple other pans and the leather strap chair.  We cleaned it up and used it for a couple decades.  It is huge, well seasoned, and not something I will ise much anymore.  I still have my small skillet, and the medium sized one from Mom's house.  I shed a few tears over this, the pan made so many meals for use, so many good memories.  It is in the hands of people who knew and loved Larry, so I know it will still serve that purpose. 

Two successes leads to ...???

I made pumpkin spice muffins this morning.  That old mix which had been in the pantry for so long finally is mixed, baked, and in my tummy.  I added a little butternut extract, and kicked up the spices, plus made a crumble topping.  Most of the topping is on the kitchen rug in front of the sink, but that's okay. 

I also made my granola last night.  I put the dry ingredients in the bowl throughout the day, set the fruit aside, and last, got the liquids ready.  Just a matter of mix and bake from there. 

Two successful things accomplished in the kitchen.  I am hoping it will jumpstart me into a few more.  That's how I tick; getting a little done can boost my motivation into an upward trend.  This week it is very uphill, Larry's birthday wrecked me.  I have been crying a lot this morning.  Not that I am surprised, I do cry a lot.

In the midst of all this angst, I am happy for a long time online friend who just got married.  It is wonderful and joyous, and I am glad of the good fortune of others.  Nice to know I am not totally devoid of feeling.

I would have baked a cake ...

As we drove back to Ogden yesterday, Krista offered to stop at Smith's so I could buy a cake to mark Larry's birthday.  I declined, saying I could bake a cake, that I simply wanted to get home. She has a sick puppers, so I wanted her to get back in plenty of time for the vet appointment. 

I went down into the pantry, no cake mixes.  I had a pumpkin spice muffin mix, and a snickerdoodles cookie mix.  They're both at least a year old, because they were down there when Larry passed.  I know I had cake mixes, did I give them away?  I have Jiffy Mix, which makes terrible cakes, and a new pouch of Lilikoi pancake mix I just brought home.  I also have all the ingredients for cake from scratch, although I suspect the flour is aging more than a bit. 

I made a cup of tea and ate a couple stale Korean ginger cookies.  The last of the packet went into the trash. 

Such is the minutia which saps my will.  A slice of cake by myself is nothing, yet everything.  

Aloha and Happy Birthday.

Okay, I have been home from Kona since Friday, but just now am getting to this blog.

It was a good trip; Matt came along.  He's Larry's work-son and good friend.  We rented a car through Turo, and looked like locals.  Nice.  I sprang for a zip-line tour and the night manta-ray snorkeling for him, but just went on the boat as a ride along.  We had a good time, even with the sadness of the chartered boat to send Larry to the Court of King Neptune.  I will do a detailed story on that later.  Honest.  Ate too much, spent too much.  It was good though.  Loki had a good time too.  Matt wants to go back with his kids.

I used wheelchair service through the airports.  Just cannot walk the walk anymore.

This weekend Ford and Krista came to unpack the trailer and button up the swamp cooler; Matt and the kids stopped by and helped out too.  A lot got done.  Matt got the trailer backed up in a flash, but hey, he;s a trucker, that's his thing.  The lean-to needs to be re-arranged, no surprise.  I may try to get my Halloween stuff out this week.  The new yard guy vacuumed up most of the old leaf crap from last year.  Yard looks nice.  I feel so much better.

Desi and I went for massages yesterday, so relaxing.  I really enjoy being able to do that.

Krista took me to Iconoclad today; they accepted most of what I brought.  I added a few things to their free box.  The we went to lunch at Noodles and Co. which was tasty and pleasant.  We had both worn dresses by chance, mine with embroidered golden birds, hers with swans and lotus blossoms.  We looked fabulous.  Today would have been MyLarry's 60th birthday.  I was glad of the distraction.

It's a drag, man

I've always been a bit of a procrastinator.  There's no time like the present though, and if I try, I can be very, very organized.  I stay right on top of bills and such.  However, grief had stomped on my motivations, and it is easy to let some things slide.  I finally went to register the trailer, on the last day possible.  Good thing, I found out from the county clerk a little detail, a letter which will save me thousands on taxes in the long run. I got the carpet spot cleaner, but the carpet is still a disaster.  I need to find someone to clear the back gutters. The leather languishes.  I owe Graidog a tool pouch.  Forever and ever, there are always tasks, and I don't want to do them.

Went to Pig and a Jelly jar, the Raven Queen was there.  I brought her a lace feather embellishment, she bought me breakfast.  The beignets are yummy, but they're more like fritters than the real thing.

I finally found someone to take the cut and stacked firewood.  They're using it for heat in a cabin, they live mostly off grid.  Nice.  Larry wood be pleased. See what I did there?

Been chipping away at the Burning Man stuff, and housework.  Progress is slow, but I am making dents. I sketched an outline for a painting.  I REALLY need to pack for Kona, to print out the papers I need, to get Larry's ashes ready. Prep the house, the cats, and make sure Desi can take Harry to the vet for boarding.  Time for the winter clothing and bedding swap, that will wait until I come back.  I want to lock up my trike, which means a little more shifting burner gear.  Raven Queen will come help me when I return.  Looks like I will be bringing mac nuts as gifts!  Desi wants a barrette, my neighbor loves inlaid silver earrings, and I can easily do both at either the farmer's market or an ABC shop.  Freaking ABC...