Thursday, March 21, 2019

Slow going this week

Went to to doc, I have spondylosis of the spine.  Means my L5 is shoved forward and there's arthritis and degeneration.  It is all horrible.  I am one prednisone for a few days, then switch to an NSAID.  This will suck as far as my blood pressure goes.  The prednisone is messing with me, tired, headachey, and moody as hell.  I haven't cried this often for a couple weeks now. 

I did get a yoga for back pain poster taped up in the kitchen.  I have a strap, a bolster, and a couple mats.  Wish me luck.

It doesn't help that I have been working on the Affidavit of Survivorship, which forces me to look at things like his death certificate.  Assembling the tax crap, and I know I need to get a new will done.  I did email a death certificate to Loreto to take him off the account.  That began my weepy spells. 

Prednisone or grief?  Either way, it sucks asswater donekyballs.

Working on the lawn a tiny bit too.  Swapped out the St. Patrick's stuff for the Easter stuff.  Made a shopping list.  Wondering why I am bothering with coupons, there's nothing good for just me.  Looked at the new issue of Food Network.  So many recipes, but what's the point?  I'm not going to go all out just for me. And no, no one is coming over for dinner.  I did put the ingredients for tzatziki on my list.  I make a lot of yogurt,I need to use it up.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Chipping away

Well, I am doing a little of this, a little of that.  I made a doctor's appointment, refilled a prescription, got a couple bills paid, and have begun the process of doing the Affidavit.  All the information I needed was online in my property tax records. 

I have a list.  I often ignore my list, but today I was able to cross off one thing entirely, and a couple things partially.  A start.

I even got out the smaller crockpot, seared the pork for stew chunks, and got some chili verde started.  Kinda, it is thrown together.  Should be yummy with rice.

I need to contact Dallas and ask if he can thatch my lawns.  Basically, that is just a vigorous raking to get up any leftover leaves, weeds, and dead grass.  I cannot do this myself, but I have some serious doubts about Dallas.  He was drinking while raking the leaves last autumn, and when they came to help a little more later, I could tell he was drunk.  His wife drives him around and his vehicles are often out of commission.  I just don't feel good about the whole thing.  He still owes me though, I gave him the snowblower.  Sigh. 

Yesterday I scooped up some leaves, trimmed the lavender, and got a lot of dead crap out of the front flower bed. I do not know if I am going out to do more today.  Maybe.  Maybe just a tiny bit. I am shooting for some each day, and there's a crapton of dead leaves out there.

The kittens are coming to sit in my lap and purr more often.  Lolo is silly, she was in the tub chasing her tail!

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

The only adult in the room

Me, that's me.  I am the only adult in the room because I am the only human being in the house.  If things are to be done, I get to do them.

Today I ordered and paid for the Affidavit of Survivorship forms and guide.  This is what is needed to take a person off the deed to a parcel of real estate.  You cannot just take the death certificate down the the office and say, I own this plot, he is dead, fix it.  Oh no.  There is a form.  I was intimidated at first, because the sample had stuff I didn't grasp intuitively.  But I looked at our tax records on file and found what was wanted. Hey, that was not so bad.  Now I have to fill out the form I downloaded, print it, and take it to the credit union and have it notarized.  I think I need to take the death certificate too, but that's hardly a surprise.  Next stop would be the County Recorder's Office.  And then I can go cry over beignets at Pig and A Jelly Jar that I am slowly erasing Larry.

Taxes are next.  I have everything but the will to do them.  I can, I just do not want to begin the process.  Soon, though, before April. 

That leaves a will.  I definitely need a new will. 

Fuck, why me?  Fuck cancer, fuck the uncaring universe, and fuck being a widow. 

At least I got the Safeway card in my name.  And the Smith's card.  And I know how to get groceries delivered. 

Anyone want to come thatch my lawns?

Sunday, March 10, 2019


I once had a kick-ass immune system.  I never got sick although I had other health issues.  Now it seems as if I leave the house, I catch a damned cold.  Snotfest 2019.  Once for Cancun, and once for California.  My best guess is stress.  Gee.

So, Desi and I hopped in the car and she drive us to California.  We stayed in Los Gatos, which is in between Santa Cruz and San Jose, in the hills, nestled between redwood trees.  Nice.  Rainy and damp, but lovely.  Went on both Winchester House tours, included the behind the scenes one.  I have some theories about that poor crazed widow, and a lot of empathy.  No way is that house haunted with so many people tramping through it all day.  It needs a rest.  The ghost trap room behind the one bathroom was eerie.  They didn't call ti that. but I know what a ghost trap looks and feels like.  That Sarah had the floor completely demolished and hauled away, and the woman kept everything, suggests to me that for whatever reason, she saw or experienced something which horrified her.  They say she shut off the first 30 rooms after an earthquake but what was the timing on the floor being smashed?  It doesn't add up.  Sure, she may have fallen prey to her own demons, but it is creepy as hell.

We also went to a couple state parks and walked through the redwoods.  Fantastic.  Another day, we drove up to the Lick Observatory, the first mountaintop observatory in the US.  Again, fascinating.  It is a lovely area once you get away  from all those people in the valley.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Fading away

We have a Smith's card, good for discounts and specials and the free Friday downloads when they're offered.  Yesterday I changed the card from Larry's name to mine, and updated the phone number.  Small acts such as this make me feel like I am erasing Larry bit by bit.

I think I have found an appropriate avenue for Larry's wonderful clothes.  He has so many interesting outfits, things I have made, vintage cowboy shirts from his dancing days, thrift shop finds, coats, jackets, and generally wonderful burner costumes and unique dress garments.  There is a shop in Salt Lake called iconoCLAD which takes clothing and resells it on commission. 50%, which is quite good.  Research definitely goes into the pricing, so the vintage stuff will not go to waste.  I have given away a lot of nice things to people who will appreciate the connection to Larry, but there's too much, and I could use a little cash.  A yard sale would yield next to nothing, eBay and Etsy are too difficult with shipping, and a thrift shop is dicey because so much could end up in the recycle rag bag.  No, consignment is the way to go.  This will take months, even years, but his things can move on in a way which does not hurt my heart.

Letting go of his wedding shirt will be painful.  His good kilts will go to the Fire Tribe fundraiser.  His brown kilt definitely goes to the Temple. 

Lucky Domino pees on soft throws and blankets.  She hasn't gone on the bedding, but let go when I was wrapped in Larry's quilt and was petting her.  This is no good.  I can't wash things every day! 

Monday, February 25, 2019

Fire Tribe rides again

I definitely wanted to make practice last night, as it was the first time everyone lit up, got used to the dip station, and the safeties practiced putting out live toys, one after the other.  I will be missing practice next week, as Desi and I will be going to the Winchester House.

 My usual ride was out of town, although he had promised to pick me up even if late.  But come late in the afternoon, he was still out of town, delayed by either weather or a new fiancee.  Too late for me to scramble a ride, and my one possibility was ill.  Too late to try the bus either.  That would take hours and did not appeal.  So I packed lightly and called Lyft.  Luckily I got a ride almost immediately and was only 20 minutes late. $38 plus a tip.  I cannot afford that weekly, but now and then it should be alright.  The Art Space is close enough to the airport that most drivers should be able to pick something up on a Sunday evening.  Still, I am annoyed.

Only one person was fussy that I would not pour extra fuel for their special tool.  That's not what we were doing.  Just a quick dip, shake/tap, spin off, light up, take a few moments in the performance area, the put out.  We were using only a single can, not the full station, and had none of the cups or squirt bottles.  No way to fuel an entire double wick staff.  He huffed off, poor baby. Sorry, not sorry.

Even I needed practice, a can I assumed was sealed was not.  I left it open at the station, told P. that everything was copacetic, and he ended up with a spill.  Entirely my fault.  it shall not happen again.

I froze my ass off and was unprepared.  I need a poncho, a flashlight, a good lighter, my first aid kit.  Maybe a multitool and a knife.  And a towel. 

I caught a ride home with someone who lives in a nearby town.  That was nice.  Otherwise I had planned on begging a couch and taking Front Runner home in the morning.  Ugh.

The good thing was three people got a pair of Larry's leather boots.  Wonderful. 

I miss Larry so much though.  So very much.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Treading water or making progress? I cannot tell some days.

I had this whole blog complete, and my wifi crapped out.

Had a couple rough days.  Lots of tv and music and sulking, many tears, much sad.  I hate it.

Still, I made a nice slow cooker stew.  Browned beef, carrots and celery from the freezer.  That means Larry had chopped them up and bagged them, so tears.  Half and onion, some ginger, some garlic, a can of green beans.  I have sooo many green beans, Larry loved them.  Some homemade broth out of the freezer, some Better than Bullion, some good hot paprika, some Ras El Hanout.  Regular paprika is no better than dust, and a fine Ras El Hanout adds such depth!  Yum.  Sad, but yummy.

I want to paint, I tidy up, I get everything ready, but I cannot sit and put brush to canvas just yet.  I will keep trying.

I got the suitcase up into the top of Larry's closet.  Changed the sheets, made the bed, washed everything.  I got one basket of clean clothes put away, one more to go.  I should wash my jeans for fire tribe.  I gained ten pounds and my smaller ones are too tight.  Time to eat better.

I need to make yogurt very soon.  Vacuum, dust.  Tidy.  Write to Sally.  There's another story.  The kittens are still next door, cuddling with their siblings and poor Rowena, who just had foot surgery. 

This is hard.  I hate being this sad, this tired, this lonely.  I am exhausted.  Better, but this is so hard.