Migration

I am going to try Wordpress.  I do not have a good feeling about this, but no one reads blogspot.

https://maggiemayhem.home.blog/

Winter is really, really here.

There's a foot or more of snow.  Lots of downed branches in the road, including one which blocked Quincy Ave. I only see one in the yard, one the garage roof, pretty small, and missed the wires.

Went to see Frozen II with the nieces, then on to a buffet.  Not a bad day at all, although I did come home and sleep. 

Of course the windshield blanket came in after the heavy snowfall.  So much fun.

Winter is here.

Matt showed up Sunday morning, swept the leaves off the garage and cleared the gutters just in time.  I sent him home with the mini bottles in the bog glass vase and a bag of booze I will never drink.  Stuff like the one open bourbon, a bottle of gin, some coco-rum, and one of Larry;s Apple Pie liqueurs.  The bag of candy canes is out of the pantry now, destined for Santa Rampage.  Snow yesterday, and snow impending for the holiday.  I pushed some of it around, but the driveway is iced over where I did not bother.  I really, really should have done it while the truck is at Desi's.

Saw Maleficent yesterday.  Not bad, but I would have liked it better if I didn't need to pee through most of it.  A couple came in last minute, sat a couple seats over.  Really people, grab a row up, I didn't need to hear your chatter and candy wrapper rustling.  You'd have had a better view in the middle instead of on the end.  Weirdos.I wouldn't be complaining of I hadn;t been the only other person in the theater...

I picked up my glasses, and dropped off a pair of Larry's sunglasses for donation.  I think there's one last pair left in the house.  Feels quite final. 

Korey of Mr. Maid came and cleaned the dryer vent.  It needs to be replaced, but it okay for now.  Turns out it is NOT attached at the top.  Yikes. He was very nice, and even cleaned the dryer face for me.

Tiny chores today.  Washed the blankets and top sheet because Lolo peed on me yet again.  Took the recycle bin out and back again.  Cleaned up the countertop next to the dryer a bit.  Turned up the fireplace to keep the basement warm.  Turned on the diffuser in the front room.  Cooked fried rice with chicken and veggies.  Filled the coffee canister.  Did dishes. Found a little basket for my gloves to sit by the back entry.  Hung a picture. Dusted my bedside vanity, found a tiny chair for Loki so he isn't falling off the perfume bottles.  Lost my ruby touchstone. Brought up the clean towels, took down all the dirty laundry.  Looked up a gift for Desi. Ordered a snow cover for the truck windshield.  Got the ice melt out of the shed, put the gutter piece where it will prevent ice out front.  Swept and move leaves from in front of the garage.  

Autumn blues

I went for my CTScan yesterday.  Clear liquid fasting and pre-medication beforehand, how much fun is that?  No, I did not need to be early to drink the potion of ugh, it was just the IV contrast.  Even with the Prednisone and the benadryl, I still popped a hive on my hip.  Means they kept me for an extra 30 minutes to make sure I didn't have a more severe reaction.  Means they will be extra cautious next time.  I did get to eat lunch at the cafe, salmon and a nice cauliflower mix, with a yummy bread roll.  Had a terrible headache, came home and slept.

This morning I made cherry-cranberry sauce, two pint jars.  I will freeze one.  A little too runny, but good flavor, nice and tart.  I have two more bags of cranberries, so I am looking at cranberry loaf recipes.  The Instacart guy brought the sucky orange juice with calcium, so I need to cook with it as much as possible.  Extra calcium makes my joints ache, and tastes like crap. I need to make sure I put a note in for NO No no calcium.  I got maple bars, and now I feel sugar loaded.  Probably why I am in no mood for chores.

Getting some laundry done and minor tidying.  The step ladder came in, and while it is cold out, it is sunny.  I keep stepping out and looking at the front flower bed, the patio gutters,  and what I need to do weed-wise, but I simply cannot get moving outside.  While I was in the laundry room, I looked up and saw I had not gotten down my pumpkin tea set or my gourd pitcher and squirrel.  When I do the autumn flowers, those usually go on the baker's rack.  I just spaced out on them.  It doesn't really matter, but it makes me sad.  I am getting the dryer vent cleaned out, and need to have the tub drain snaked, so I am probably going to skip roof lights this year too.

I got my indulgent Loki opera scarf and Loungefly purse.  So marvelous.  I should wrap them up for Christmas, they are definitely gift quality.  Nice, nice, nice.  The scarf is smooth as Loki's silver-tongued voice, as silky as one might imagine his touch to be.  There, done fan-girling for the year.  I  realize what I spent on these things would have paid for roof light installation, but while I love my lights, I also love pretty things.  It is a trade off, and one I am okay with this time around. 

Now, about those leaves on the roof ... gah.

Comeon, kid....

My will to get on the garage roof to sweep is fading fast.  I thought I could use the tree ladder, but it is too heavy for me to move at all.  I guess I can use the telescoping ladder in the shed, but I am unconvinced.  It is a tricky beast.  Yesterday I worked on the front flowerbed, got it about half done, and I was wiped out.  I was too shaky for the roof.  Today?  I don't know what is wrong.  Sleep was uneven, in two shifts with music and tea in the middle of the night.  I woke up at six, fed the cats, had coffee, went next door and fed Rowena's cats.  Got dressed when Juan showed up to do the yard.  Been online looking at money and bills and am just dragged down by it all.  Got a few things paid, looked up and checked in on other financial things.  Ordered a tall step ladder which means I can do stuff in the backyard without the tall ladder, like clean the patio gutters.  Got an appointment to clean the dryer vent.

The truck is away being detailed.  That bumper crunch looks like it did bend the metal. I do not want to deal with it.

Ogden Uncon is cancelled and refunds are being offered, but I cannot find my email saying I bought an advanced ticket for $50.  No email.  I may be out.

Sent in a refund request to my CC for that stupid fold up scootery thingy.  I may be out money for that. Dammit.

Did get my cube refund, good.

Got my felted leaves so I can do my arm warmers.  Nice.

Made a payment on one of my outstanding debts.  I get airline miles, and I will use them.  San Diego in February.

Orrin got my new LED fixture installed.  Holy crap, the basement is a mess now that I can see it.  More to deal with. 

Maybe I am ready for Hawaii.

Well, that's not exciting.

Turns out I have cataracts.  I knew I was not seeing as well, but I correct to 20/20, so it was nebulous.  Huh.  Now that I know, I can "see" the big one.  In dim light, if there is an indicator light, or the projected time on my ceiling. I can move the cataract in front of it, and the light vanishes.  Weird.  I will have surgery in January.  Surgeries.  The bad news is I just got glasses at America's Best, haven't even picked them up yet, and I will not need them in the long run.  I can have tinted lens put in though, I will still need sun glasses. 

Other good news is the dermatologist says none of my moles and assorted barnacles are worrisome.  I should go in annually for a look-see though. 

On Thursday I have the mammogram, on Friday, the CT scan.  Joy.

Today I will try to sweep the garage roof.  Joy joy.

Loopedy loops

I was doing well, then did a crash and burn.  It happens. All my rosy plans for Getting Shit Done circled the drain and crapped out this weekend. At least this week with be sunny and mild, which gives me a chance at finishing the downspouts and doing a bit of winterizing.  The garage roof has a thick blanket of leaves already, that cannot stand.

Yesterday I had my front teeth done.  Holy crap, the initial numbing shots are painful.  Incredibly so. I sprang for laughing gas.  Nice.  And now my teeth look nice.  They did before, but there was some behind the scenes deterioration.

Desi took me to free lunch day at Texas Roadhouse.  A little six inch sirloin, the very yummy rolls, and a glorious baked sweet potato.  I even got mushrooms on my steak.  A pleasant outing.  My mouth was sore and I was exhausted, so I took a long afternoon nap after  a hot bath.  Spent time teaching Alexa more of my favorite music.

I have very nearly finished repairing Rowena's painting which had two puncture wounds,  By no means a professional job, but good enough for a suburban living room.  I can see the imperfections, but will try to not point them all out to her.

I have today off, but I also have Wednesday and Friday appointments.  Lyft is loving me this month.

Edit: what I posted on r/widowers:

Shortly after my husband passed, I made a list, a paper pep talk, a note to self, and posted it in my kitchen. Questions to myself about who I was now, things to strive for, ways forward, reminders. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I just went and looked at it today, as I often do; I am about 14 months out now. I took it down and wrote a new one. Year Two. It is not much different, but I can see what I have let go, what I want, and a reminder that if I want something done, I have to do it myself, or find paid professionals. I can only rely on one friend consistently, she is a true hero, but she is only one human with many demands on her time. That she can carve out hours a week for me is spectacular. So many of us do not have dedicated people who truly show the ways they care in concrete actions. So if I want a chore done, I can't just wait until he comes home to do it like I used to be able to do. I think procrastinating was and is a way to pretend he's just out on the road, that this is just a deployment with an indeterminate extension. No, my heart, he's gone. It hurts, but it is true and inescapable.

So the new list is up, the old one crumpled into a ball. I think I am improving. I have more of these positive moments of clarity. I do more. Oh, I still cry every day, and mope, and have the sads, but I do have better upward trends. Here's to progress in this moment. Hey, I vacuumed, put away the summer sheets, put away the Halloween pumpkins out front, and very nearly have my neighbor's painting repaired. I'm mostly impressed I vacuumed. It hurts my back, and was not my chore. My floors get crunchy. Not today! I guess I am entering the Suck It Up, Buttercup phase. Better than the Soggy Swamp of Tears, which I know I will revisit, but for now, I think I have a foot on solid ground under the quicksand. Fingers crossed.

More than the leaves are turning. One hopes.

I feel as if I am turning some kind of corner.  Oh, I am still sad and procrastinating, I miss Larry intensely all the time, and life still feels as if I have lost my compass, identity and the point of it all.  Perhaps I am a touch less sad, a little more resigned to reality.  Maybe.  I still play solitaire and binge watch shows for hours on end.  But I swept the floor and worked on Rowena's painting, and dug out the stuff to fix up the crappy arm warmers I got in the mail.  Dribs and driba, but a few more each week.

Today I went into the basement to fetch my flashlight, and the container of tiny porcelain animals for a project.  I got the dryer going, took out the big trash, put the trash bags where I could find them easier, moved some stuff around.  I tossed the dozen or so bags of flavored masrshmallows Larry had bought to make his rice crispy treats.  They were end of year stock in 2017 anyway.  Pumpkin spice, gingerbread, vanilla.  I'd gotten rid of the cereal early, it doesn't keep.  I won't make the treats for myself, and if I make fudge, those were too stale.  I use the jar stuff.  I do have a couple jars on hand, and butter in the freezer.  Now that the weather has cooled, I can make fudge.  It is not a summer thing at all. 

The whole point is I was able to toss the marshmallows without feeling overly wasteful or guilty.  A bit, and I feel weepy, but am not actually crying. Maybe.

Good morning, Ogden!

Let's Make a Deal isn't even over and I have already finished one big chore: calling the VA.  I hate calling the VA, but if I do, it saves me a couple thousand each year in property taxes. 

I looked up a coffee cake recipe, after all, I do have an unopened box of Bisquick.  I found another frozen jar of chili bean stewp,so that is thawing.  I add other beans and veggies to it in the small slow cooker, that makes something like four or five meals.  There's a ground turkey chub thawing too, but I might just fry it up and put it over rice. The rice is sitting on the counter now, I need to use it up, so I put it in a very inconvenient place.   I am motivated to make meals from what I have in the pantry and freezer! 

I have my commissary list done, concentrating on the foods I need for the whole lower my cholesterol gig.  Lots of tuna, nuts, and oatmeal.  Applesauce.  Frozen veggies.  Guac.  I cannot digest fresh leafy greens, and buying salad fixings and fresh veggies for one picky eater means a lot of waste later.  I can skip the mac salad for a while, and go with darker (and less) chocolate.  Less ice cream too.  Meh, it's winter.

All my appointments came in, five total in November before Thanksgiving!  Teeth, eyes, dermatology, mammo, and a CT scan.  Whoa.  Busy, busy.  And LMAD is still on!

Now if I could only recall what I originally got online for, before I began looking up coffee cake recipes.

And even more ...

Ah, cavities and wear, I have a filling appointment, a referral to an eye doc and a dermatologist, my mammo scheduled, and waiting for a call from radiology about the CT approval.  I might not be keen about self-care as much as I should be here at home, but I will certainly get the professionals on board!

Seeing Dr. Carabine was as unfortunate as I feared.  I came home and binge watched shows on Netflix and Amazon.  Hungry, as usual.  I did go chat with the neighbor.  She's having the wall between the kitchen and living room removed, it will look great.  I have no idea how they afford all this, they're older than I am, he's still working but she is retired, and she's always worried about money.  I guess being happy in your home is important.  I guess if I wanted work done, I could do a home equity loan, and let the future take care of itself once I pass on.  Ha.  Nah, I'm going to let this place tumble down around my ears and someone can do an amazing flip later.

Next task is to get the eating back on track.  Cold weather means I am hungry all the time, and the time change doesn't help.  Better choices for the cholesterol is a must.  More tuna and oatmeal, I am doing well enough with nuts; I need a nut cup, otherwise I tend to graze.  More chicken and turkey and good fish in the freezer for sure; I am going through the old pork loins slowly.  Winter means chili though, that will help.  Legumes are good.  More veggies, frozen will be my friend.  Cooking solo veggies is difficult otherwise.  I still have sooo many green beans in cans, last of Larry's stock up.  They make me sad, they were out favorite side when throwing dinner together.  Sad beans it is.

Got poor old Harry a boarding reservation for December.  Poor old guy.

Big money day today.  Caught up on the debit balance, paid a CC, paid property tax (what little I do pay), paid down on a loan, paid a couple maintenance fees.  Gah.  I spend too much.  Now I need to question whether I want roof lights up for Christmas or not, that's not exactly cheap.  Cheapish though, and it makes me happy.

Appointments and more appointments

So many places to be.  Eyes, teeth, my pre-annual and my annual.  A well woman exam is on the schedule.  Labs and blood drawn, of course.  No surprise my AC1 is 6, and my cholesterol is high.  Doc is talking anti-depressants, which agitates and energizes me.  Teeth need a filling in the front.  Got the same glasses, just a different prescription, but not much.  The Ray-Bans I like are the last frame in stock, so I got a nice discount. 

Massage appointment too, I really am glad I get to go back to Lindsey instead of Hannah.  Hannah is nice, she's competent, but she does not hit the right note for me.  There's weirdness on the left side of my neck, pain and odd knots.I guess I need to tell the doc about that too.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Carabine about the hernia.  I know I will cry, he doesn't know Larry has died.  Last time he saw Larry was my surgery last year.  I get stressed when I have to tell someone new.

I got my mammogram letter.  Joy.  Another appointment to make.

I found a therapist online who looks promising, takes Tricare, and is within walking distance.  A possibility if I can get a referral and if he is taking patients.

Must make reservations for Harry to be boarded when I go to Maui.

Getting a quote on putting up the Christmas lights.

I need a haircut.

Why am I so very hungry?

What deams...

This morning I fasted as I had to have annual blood work labs done.  No coffee meant I had a remarkable headache.  After, I went across the street to Virg's, had a French Toast Monte Cristo, or most of one.  Their portions are huge.  Very, very chilly in the biting wind, down in the 30s.  Even my parka didn't feel warm, I needed a scarf.  Between the full tummy and the cold, I was sleepy as heck.

I got home and changed, and went back to bed.  Ferocious headache.  I slept on and off until almost noon, which is out of character for me.  During my last hard sleep stretch, I dreamt I was having a meal with Larry.  He was laughing and we were quiet happy.  He went to sign the check, and I took it instead, saying it would not go through, that I had deleted him from everything "that time when you were dead".  He seemed quite surprised, and I thought about how difficult it would be to add him back on all the accounts. 

Then I woke up.  It was nice while it lasted ...

Winter is coming

Two beautiful weekend days, two days to hustle to get the stuff done which must be done.  Wrap the roses, put away the hoses, insulate the faucets, get both rain barrels covered and in the garage, attach the winter down spouts, put away the spinner sprinkler, get the aloe vera somewhere warmer.  Sasquatch and the Buddha need coats and hats, or to go into the shed.  .I know I should trim the raspberries, sweep some of the leaves, but we shall see. I am physically tired.

I am trying to repair a print on canvas for Rowena.  It has a hole and a scrape.  I've done similar things to blank canvas and to paintings, this piece in quite nice.  She thinks it is a painting, but it is a textured repro.  I will not tell her.  Going well so far.

I made yogurt.  Turned my back on the milk for a moment, and it boiled. That doesn't matter much, but will make it grainy.

After doing so well for so long, Lolo peed on the bed again.  I think the fuzzy throws are just irresistible to her.  Ah well, that meant I got the flannel sheets down and washed the cotton set.  Now I can put away the summer sheets, and my summer nightgowns.  I needed to change the sheets anyway, it had been a grotesquely long time since I had. 

I got my autumn order of Lake Champlain chocolates in.  That's not a lot of goodies for the price, but it is a once a year treat.  Vermont truffles (5), cider caramels (7), and a small bag of vermont maple caramel leaves. Very wonderful. I eat one piece daily.  I also have way too much Halloween candy, and this year will be frigid.  Not as much handing out when it is cold, so I will need to freeze some, or give it away.  I got some teal allergen free candy too, and some toys.  At least the toys will keep.

Turn turn turn

I got my bottles of Boiled Cider today.  So good.  Essentially consists of Vermont cider which has been reduced into a tart yet sweet syrupy reduction.  Use it like syrup on pancakes or yogurt, or bake with it, or put it in tea or ginger tea, or sip little sips.  Autumn in a bottle, simply fabulous.  I had a little on goat cheese on a slice of orange-cranberry bread.  Mmmm.

Weird day.  I thought I had a doctor's appointment, but the online system had not sent a confirmation.  Doc was doing urgent care, and it was early, so I got in to get my water pill refill.  We talked, I got a referral for my hernia, and he wants to talk about something to elevate my mood and alleviate what might be depression instead of simple grief.  Hmmm.  Maybe I can talk him into a therapist instead.  I have not done well with mood altering drugs in the past, I am not eager to try.  We shall talk.

I came home and changed clothes into my nightgown.  Ten in the morning, and I was dressed for bed.  I dinked around some, did a load of laundry, tidied this and that, but the depression discussion swamped me quite unexpectedly. I cannot even identify the resulting emotions accurately, despair? Fear? Annoyance? Denial?  I was fine treading water.  I think.  I do not care for self-doubt. So I played games and watched some TV, wasted time online, and played with the cats.  Signed up for Secret Santa.  Took pictures of Loki. Put off bringing in the back mat, or putting away the rain barrels.

I have an eye appointment tomorrow.  It will be more expensive, but far less traumatic.

Dinnertime

I made a meal.  I thawed the pork loins, and baked them in the aluminum roaster with tasty spices.  I heated up rice, and peas.  A nice hot meal, with enough leftover for two more.  Once they cool in the fridge, I will decide if I shall have them this week, or portion them up and vac-seal them for later.  There didn't used to be leftovers.

The spices were a mix we got on Kauai a few years back, from the vanilla farm, a variant of garam masala,  I put a little low sodium Worcestershire in the bottom and the lightest glaze of the lilikoi syrup I got at the farmer's market in Hawi this last trip.  The rice was a Tasty Bites packet of brown rice we'd bought for Burning Man last year.  The peas were Le Seur, some of the last from the big stock up, also from last year.  With the exception of the lilikoi syrup, all of this food was in the house before, before, before.

As I plated up my food, I looked out the kitchen window, knowing I would have been calling Larry in from his chores to eat his supper while it was hot.  He'd bustle in and stomp around, washing his hands and grumbling I had interrupted his flow.  He'd be patting me on the bum and giving me awkward hugs while I worked, and I'd swat him.  Then he would carry the tray with the plates for me into wherever we were eating.  His gray cotton jacket he would have been wearing still hangs on the hook by the back door.  His work gloves went up in smoke in the desert. There is nothing here now but me and this pantry food, the and the ghost meat from the freezer.

I didn't cry much, but I screamed at the universe for a minute, begging for him to come back, to share a meal, gripe at me, all while giving me a grab and a hug.

This is why I avoid cooking.  Fuck.

Moving forward

Desi came over to take me shopping, we got the majority of the Halloween decorations put up out front.  I like my streamers, and the cats love to watch them.

I got one of the rainbarrels unhooked and rinsed out before the storm came in.  I just need to get it in the garage and covered up.  The big barrel is next.  I have the hose faucet open, so it should be draining.  The hoses will be next, before the freezing weather sets in. 

Logan came and got the hitch rack.  That helps with re-arranging the lean-to behind the garage. He also took the leather for Six.  We have not decided whether Six will pay me, make something for me, or if this is just a gift from Larry, but that's okay.  This is the leather which is very stiff and heavy, not something I can work with.  I kept the softer hides and sides, and all the tools.  I also have everything staged in the kitchen to go down into the basement, where I have a place for it other than in front of Larry;s closet in the bedroom. This is a true leap forward for me. 

Logan also took two pieces of cast iron.  One is a new griddle pan, for cooking bacon and steaks, brand new and never used.  He also took the big skillet.  This is the one Larry found in the dumpster in San Diego, along with a couple other pans and the leather strap chair.  We cleaned it up and used it for a couple decades.  It is huge, well seasoned, and not something I will ise much anymore.  I still have my small skillet, and the medium sized one from Mom's house.  I shed a few tears over this, the pan made so many meals for use, so many good memories.  It is in the hands of people who knew and loved Larry, so I know it will still serve that purpose. 

Two successes leads to ...???

I made pumpkin spice muffins this morning.  That old mix which had been in the pantry for so long finally is mixed, baked, and in my tummy.  I added a little butternut extract, and kicked up the spices, plus made a crumble topping.  Most of the topping is on the kitchen rug in front of the sink, but that's okay. 

I also made my granola last night.  I put the dry ingredients in the bowl throughout the day, set the fruit aside, and last, got the liquids ready.  Just a matter of mix and bake from there. 

Two successful things accomplished in the kitchen.  I am hoping it will jumpstart me into a few more.  That's how I tick; getting a little done can boost my motivation into an upward trend.  This week it is very uphill, Larry's birthday wrecked me.  I have been crying a lot this morning.  Not that I am surprised, I do cry a lot.

In the midst of all this angst, I am happy for a long time online friend who just got married.  It is wonderful and joyous, and I am glad of the good fortune of others.  Nice to know I am not totally devoid of feeling.

I would have baked a cake ...

As we drove back to Ogden yesterday, Krista offered to stop at Smith's so I could buy a cake to mark Larry's birthday.  I declined, saying I could bake a cake, that I simply wanted to get home. She has a sick puppers, so I wanted her to get back in plenty of time for the vet appointment. 

I went down into the pantry, no cake mixes.  I had a pumpkin spice muffin mix, and a snickerdoodles cookie mix.  They're both at least a year old, because they were down there when Larry passed.  I know I had cake mixes, did I give them away?  I have Jiffy Mix, which makes terrible cakes, and a new pouch of Lilikoi pancake mix I just brought home.  I also have all the ingredients for cake from scratch, although I suspect the flour is aging more than a bit. 

I made a cup of tea and ate a couple stale Korean ginger cookies.  The last of the packet went into the trash. 

Such is the minutia which saps my will.  A slice of cake by myself is nothing, yet everything.  

Aloha and Happy Birthday.

Okay, I have been home from Kona since Friday, but just now am getting to this blog.

It was a good trip; Matt came along.  He's Larry's work-son and good friend.  We rented a car through Turo, and looked like locals.  Nice.  I sprang for a zip-line tour and the night manta-ray snorkeling for him, but just went on the boat as a ride along.  We had a good time, even with the sadness of the chartered boat to send Larry to the Court of King Neptune.  I will do a detailed story on that later.  Honest.  Ate too much, spent too much.  It was good though.  Loki had a good time too.  Matt wants to go back with his kids.

I used wheelchair service through the airports.  Just cannot walk the walk anymore.

This weekend Ford and Krista came to unpack the trailer and button up the swamp cooler; Matt and the kids stopped by and helped out too.  A lot got done.  Matt got the trailer backed up in a flash, but hey, he;s a trucker, that's his thing.  The lean-to needs to be re-arranged, no surprise.  I may try to get my Halloween stuff out this week.  The new yard guy vacuumed up most of the old leaf crap from last year.  Yard looks nice.  I feel so much better.

Desi and I went for massages yesterday, so relaxing.  I really enjoy being able to do that.

Krista took me to Iconoclad today; they accepted most of what I brought.  I added a few things to their free box.  The we went to lunch at Noodles and Co. which was tasty and pleasant.  We had both worn dresses by chance, mine with embroidered golden birds, hers with swans and lotus blossoms.  We looked fabulous.  Today would have been MyLarry's 60th birthday.  I was glad of the distraction.

It's a drag, man

I've always been a bit of a procrastinator.  There's no time like the present though, and if I try, I can be very, very organized.  I stay right on top of bills and such.  However, grief had stomped on my motivations, and it is easy to let some things slide.  I finally went to register the trailer, on the last day possible.  Good thing, I found out from the county clerk a little detail, a letter which will save me thousands on taxes in the long run. I got the carpet spot cleaner, but the carpet is still a disaster.  I need to find someone to clear the back gutters. The leather languishes.  I owe Graidog a tool pouch.  Forever and ever, there are always tasks, and I don't want to do them.

Went to Pig and a Jelly jar, the Raven Queen was there.  I brought her a lace feather embellishment, she bought me breakfast.  The beignets are yummy, but they're more like fritters than the real thing.

I finally found someone to take the cut and stacked firewood.  They're using it for heat in a cabin, they live mostly off grid.  Nice.  Larry wood be pleased. See what I did there?

Been chipping away at the Burning Man stuff, and housework.  Progress is slow, but I am making dents. I sketched an outline for a painting.  I REALLY need to pack for Kona, to print out the papers I need, to get Larry's ashes ready. Prep the house, the cats, and make sure Desi can take Harry to the vet for boarding.  Time for the winter clothing and bedding swap, that will wait until I come back.  I want to lock up my trike, which means a little more shifting burner gear.  Raven Queen will come help me when I return.  Looks like I will be bringing mac nuts as gifts!  Desi wants a barrette, my neighbor loves inlaid silver earrings, and I can easily do both at either the farmer's market or an ABC shop.  Freaking ABC...

Well, well.

So I did not go register the trailer.  Desi was supposed to show up Friday for that and Iconoclad, but I didn't hear from her. I  know she's been terribly stressed with a lot of things, so I didn't bug her.  Monday it is then, no excuses.

I did get into the garage and move a few things around, and get irritated at the amount of stuff I cannot do or don't know how to do, or have been left astray in the wake of others in the garage.  The trailer is still full of stuff, and now storms are rolling in.  A lot of it is heavy stuff I cannot do myself, so I am doubly irritated  The back gate is sprung again.  The people who were to get back to me on mowing did not.  I still don't have a charger cable for my trike.  Irritated, irritated. 

I did bring in the step stool tool box and started cleaning the tools. What a mess.  I can ell some of them are automotive, but do not know what to include and what to put away.  I repacked the WTF box, although I'm not sure it has what it needs.  There's duct tape and zip ties in everything.  I put away a few truck items, and brought in a little tool box out of Larry's truck box.  Office supplies,staples, tape, stickies, and so, so many pens and batteries.  And those Central wallets I like.  Figures, I just bought a wallet.  So that's a little bit done.  A drop in a large bucket.

Since I was hungry and having a crappy day, I ordered Chinese food.  China Star is apparently my most often called number, and I do not call them often.  They deliver without any of that doordash nonsense, and two lunches make several meals for me.  Tons of rice, and I eat the soup later.  I can freeze it all too.  I'm paying the price this morning.  Runny nose, sore throat, headache, ooky feeling, it sucks.  It never bothered me too much before, but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It is the preservatives, specifically sodium benzoate.  I know this, I avoid it in sodas.  There is so little in sauces I could tolerate it in the past, but this was too much.  Now I have a Mongolian Beef lunch all wrapped up in the fridge, and am terribly suspicious about it.  Too much sodium too.  Maybe I will just freeze it and worry about it later.

And I am spending a bit much on Loki things.  They bring me pleasure though, and I'm not going nuts on the expensive pieces.  I just had to have a Grandmaster for the party.  "Is that your Pain Stick, or are you just happy to see me?"  The Loki body pillow cover will give me something huggable as winter rolls in.

Hey, it's another post!

Two in one week~ish.  Wow.

I put on my new dress and took Loki to the movies.  Saw Downton Abbey, and I am glad I went.  I did love the TV show, so watching it all wrapped up was very nice.  Well done. I should have worn my pearls and tiara.  I actually have a number of nice pearl necklaces, including long opera length strands.  My tiara is iffy; some days I consider ordering a "real" one from India.  They're gorgeous.  What frivolity.  I won't, but I can dream.

My other new dress arrived, but the surplice top gaps wide on me, exposing my bosom.  Not cool. I can sew, and it is fixable.  I could return the dress, but it is now out of stock.  Cute cocktails print, so very unique.  I can fix this dress, as it is one I will love to wear.

Desi has tests at school and an impending new floor at home, so we delayed the Iconoclad trip.  I got into the closet to put a few things in the box.  Just going into the downstairs bedroom is heart wrenching, there's so much down there that is pure memory.  Mom and dad's things are in the closet too.  Ugh.  I hate that I have to turn a lot of it into money.  Ah well, better than having it languish in a closet.  I really need to sort and get rid of pillows, blankets and throws.  There will be blanket drives soon.

I have decided the flannels, the furnace, and the swamp cooler can wait until I return from Hawaii.  No rush.  I do need to do laundry.  This involves putting other stuff away.  I can do it.

I am stressed about the sheer amount of work which needs to be done in the house, the garden, and all the stupid Burning Man gear which is still  left in the trailer.  Next year, if I don't go, neither does one bit of my stuff.  Nice you have a social life, and obligations, and we're all getting older.  I need to find a better way. 

Tomorrow will be register the trailer day, followed by chicken and waffles.  Waffle, actually.  Yum.

Not much

The weather is slowly changing.  The house is chilly now, but I do not want to turn on the heater just yet, or the fireplace.  I haven't gotten my flannels down, just wearing extra layers and warm socks.  Using a heavier blanket, but the flannel sheets are still up in the top of the linen closet. 

I've been trying to paint.  I get a bit done, but then I am just so tired I quit.  This is pretty much how every project goes.  I want to do things, but I am simply too far down to be effective.  My hands ache, I cannot concentrate.  Time for my annual exam, make sure there isn't a physical reason adding to the bleak way I have been feeling.

This is not true depression, I think up art ideas, and make plans, and even get my work areas tidied up.  Beginning is problematic, as it carrying through.  Autumn means time for a silk flower swap, and Desi got the totes into the house for me.  I even opened one up this morning.  All I have to do is get the step stool out of the hall closet, take down the summer flowers and put up the fall ones.  About an hour is all it takes.  I want to do it.  I just don't. 

But hey, I did tidy and arrange the charging station, and took the dead tablets off the kitchen counter where they sat for a year.  Got the sink sparkling white, well, as much as the old porcelain does now.  I have a bunch of stuff to go downstairs, but I did get the counter tidied.  I do need to scrub it better.  Move the strands of dead battery lights I set down before Burning Man.  I did clean up the two things I want to take to Iconoclad, just have to carry them down and put them in the box.  Steam and mop the kitchen floor.  Get my burner basket clean.  So many tiny chores, I can make lists all day, and have Alexa remind me, but each task feels insurmountable. 

And then there's the weeks where I don't even watch Netflix, or Amazon Prime, or CBS, or my recordings on Xfinity.  I watch Andy Griffith or South Park reruns.  It's mindless and comforting in some ways.  Just let go and play solitaire with familiar voices in the background.

I miss me.

Into Year Two

The Year of Firsts is being me now, the year of mourning what was lost.  I lost so much more than MyLarry, I lost the future we had planned, I lost my identity as Mrs. Clayton, I lost being a housewife and intimate partner, I lost friends, I lost freedom and mobility. 

As I understand it, the second year is the year of hard hitting reality.  The truth is, while I can try to hire help, some "professionals" are better than others.  The latests debacle with the sprinklers shows that.  The basement did get water, I have probably lost the Persian carpet.  The yard kid has stopped showing up, I will need another lawn care person.  And until the e-bikes are moved, my backyard cannot be mowed.  I need to clean the toolboxes myself.  I need to get the bedding done and up myself.  The carpets are filthy, and if I do not clean them myself, they will not be done. If Lolo pees on something, I get to clean it.  The tub looks like someone murdered a grease monkey in there.  It goes on and on. I can ask Desi to help with many things, but she cannot carry the load.  She already does so very much, and I am so very grateful.  The pretty promises of friends were well intentioned, but have all proven empty. 

I have to maintain the house.  There is no question of moving at this point.  I am exhausted and afraid. 

Larry didn't just have boundless energy and the ability to push through and the desire to get things done, he also kept me energized.  Alone, I am so much less than who I was as a half of an outstanding partnership.  

The Temple

Good.  BUrning Man without Larry is hard and it sucked as much as it was wonderful.  Apparently, if I am hypnotized, and told I am in a stripper contest, I begin taking off my clothing....

Burning Man, the Temple and a week before Year One is over.

I don't know what to say.  It is all so much.  I'm okay, but I am tired and not getting stuff done.  Still, it will all be okay in the long run.  

Deep adulting.

I had a good long talk with my nephew about the last time his sister came to visit me.  It had been a disaster of a visit, and upset me a great deal.  She is manipulative, and literally insane, which makes her delusional, and barely functional as a free-range adult.  As I learn more about her current family dynamics, I am actually a little afraid of her.  Why?  She is trying to get her mother declared incompetent so she can be her guardian.  That means getting at what little money the woman has.  I thought this through, I have money, not huge amounts. but enough to be attractive.  I have a house.  My niece is money hungry, she always has wild plans to become rich.  Lawsuits which never happen, jobs she can never land, and yes, getting money from family.  She wants my dad's military records to file a downwinder suit.  It is not entirely unreasonable for me to be concerned that she may try to hatch a plan to get at my estate, such as it is.  Still, I'm worth a quarter mil easy, IF it could all be accessed at one time.  It cannot.  That's enough for her to sniff around though, and for me to get serious about not just my will, but sorting out my life right now.

My closest living relative is my brother, followed by a plethora of nieces and nephews. (The nice in question is not the daughter of this brother, but of one of my brothers who died).  The nephew I trust the most, and who is my direct heir, lives across the country.  I have two dear friends who are like my kids, and who do more for me than any of my relatives.  That makes me a little concerned that they have no say in my care or upholding my wishes medically.  Time for that living will I never thought I needed when Larry was alive.

I have always known I am a target given my age and situation.  The term "vulnerable adult" meant little to me other than an abstract concept. However, I forgot to take my medication yesterday and woke up with a headache today, a minor thing, but ... and here is the but ... what if it were not?  The realization that I had better be damned sure that the people I want deciding my fate had better have legal documents to back it up hit me hard.  My niece would do worse than find a nursing home for me, she'd take the house and put me on the street if given the opportunity. She called the cops on her own mother once, trying to claim domestic abuse.  I would be foolish to even let the shadow of that become a possibility. 

Where is the line between paranoia and legitimate concerns for my future?  

Adulting never ends

I went to register the truck and trailer yesterday.  Larry always handled it, so I had a pretty steep learning curve, and a few tears.  Desi took me to Jiffy Lube for the truck's emissions inspection, easy enough.  Took a few days for me to get the oomph to go to the county assessor and the DMV. Decided to time it so I could go to Pig and A Jelly Jar on $5 chicken and waffle day.  Turns out I couldn't do the trailer, as the DMV doesn't send a registration card for utility trailers.  The lady at DMV gave me a paper I can take to the county for my veteran's exemption.  I can do that after Burning Man.  We had a short chat about husbands and cremation insurance.  She was very kind.

Burning Man.  My spark is lacking, I honestly do not want to go.  I feel obligated, to take Larry's ashes and kilt to the Temple, and to hug all the people who want to see me.  Ugh.  I will try to be the tough old bird, and not take it out on my campmates.  They can't help it they are not Larry.  Crying Man, here I come.

All of it, and none at all

I am feeling the rage today.  General free floating anger.  Feels like PMS if I still had such a thing.  Angry with myself,my decisions, angry Larry is gone, angry my neighbors on one side have made landscaping decisions they can't control, angry with the horrible dog on the other side, angry at the yellowjackets, angry I cannot work in my yard without anguish.  Angry I don't know how ot prep for Burning Man.  Angry my carpets are so nasty.  Angry I am still paralyzed.  Angry I am fat and hungry.  With so much rage, it is probably just me in a mood. 

My best guess is I am missing the lovely lazy Sundays mornings Larry and I used to share.  

Sometimes the light turns on

Geez, I have moments of clarity when I can see how bad the widow fog can be.  What sort of things I have blanked on completely, what I have ignored, and what simply did not occur to me. Frustrating.  No, not an age related impairment.   And then I slip back into the dream state, and drift along. 

I really hope I didn't screw up our early entry to Burning Man.  I may have.  

Long winter of grief

I figured something out.  I am simply hibernating, and there is no spring.  I guess the 12th month is a singular and special hell.

I went to get the will notarized, turns out the credit union cannot provide witnesses anymore.  That's unfortunate and inconvenient.

Need to register the truck and trailer.  Larry always did that.  What if it needs an inspection?  Crap.

August, the 12th month.

They say the Year of Firsts is the worst, but others say the second year is harder still when reality soaks in.  If next year is worse, I am in deep doo.  August has been a wild ride, and we're only five days in. 

Still, had a nice visit with Eve.  We talk about depressing crap in our lives, yet it cheers me up. 

Gave away the giant bean bag and the black mink blanket which goes with it.  It was great for guests and parties, and made a terrific dog bad.  The cats loved it.  However, it had become a place to pile blankets and throws and extra crap, so it was time to move it on to a new family.  A family with kids, a wonderful new life as a place to read, watch movies, and nap.  I am excited.  Sad, though, everything which Larry had touched is a mindfield.  Yes, Mind.  The black mink blanket was one he bought in Korea, the bean bag we bought at R.C. Wiley's shortly before we moved in here. 

I sorted the art adoption cards from last year into their album.  Reading the cards, I realized every piece of art I made then was when Larry was alive.  Random thoughts like that sneak up on me daily.  Some I can let surf past, but others swamp me and pull me into a circling whirlpool.  Some bite sharply, like sharks.  Diminishing waves?  That seems so simple.  Just keep swimming until the grief is a wading pool.  Ha.  Hahahaha fucking haha.

Pissy pissy, and why I am edging toward being a hermit. Also, drama.

Sweat in my eyes and running down in front of  my ears, sticky yet tickly.  Ugh.  I have been lugging bedding about, packing the seabag for Burning Man, and stripping every blanket, throw, pillow, and sheepskin off the chaise, the recliners, and the giant bean bag.  There's simply too much, and a cat who simply will not quit peeing on fuzzy stuff.  I don't have a way to shut off that room either, not without upsetting Harry.  If Harry is upset, then he pees on the carpet.  Pretty sure it is Lolo, not Lucy.  She must have learned to pee on fleece blankets before she was rescued, and has not totally dropped the habit.  Not certain the couch is better than the bed, as the bed has waterproof mattress covers. I had to toss the four sheepskins, even washed, they smell like pee.  Larry loved those damned things, and they weren't cheap.  Farewell, fuzzies.  I am sobbing my guts out over this.

At any rate, I'm going to bag up most of the comforters, blankets, and throws, the clean stuff, and donate them.  I have literally dozens of things to wrap up in and keep warm with.  Larry had given a lot away, but he also stashed a lot.  The old ones never left when new things came in.  The giant beanbag will go too, as soon as I wipe it down.  Too much stuff, it will serve others better than me now.

Yesterday began well enough, but one visit from a clueless relative put a nasty downward spin on the afternoon.  Showed up unannounced, although I knew she would eventually be by, but no call or text.  Had a dog on a leash she claimed was her service dog, but damn, she was using one of those chain collars with hooks on it.  That's pain compliance right there, and a well trained service dog does not need one.  I refused to let it in my house, she hadn't warned me and I have young cats. Had I known, I could have made arrangements to keep them safe. She kept telling me how she respected my boundaries, even though she didn't like it.  Fuuuuuck.  Next, she started in on how she was going to get an 80K job, because her disability preference had more points added to it (???), and her job with the parking company gave her good managerial experience.  It was pretty rambly and far-fetched. Reality has not been her strong suit for some time.  Actually made me sad.  Her last plan was to sue her employer for deceit and discrimination, and unfair termination.  Oh, she also wants my dad's service record so she can file a downwinder lawsuit for her father's cancer. Gah.

The final straw was a rinse and repeat of her ancient grudge against a family member I like a great deal.  I've asked that I not be included in the rants, it is ancient childhood history, blown up then chewed like a rotten old binkie.  Give it up.  I get it, you and your mom dislike her vehemently.  Maybe stop calling her the devil and she'll be nicer.  It is all stupid, petty, and childish.  I informed her the visit was over, and stood up.  Told her she had to go, her dog was getting too warm outside.  She then patted herself on the back for recognizing a social clue. I guess standing up and telling her to go was subtle.  I think I am done.  I had said I would use a bit of my brother's ashes to have glass things made, and I will, I have already ordered them.  I took a small amount, two spoonfuls, because she wouldn't leave the baggie with about a cup or so in it.  She was worried about what the family member who lives across country might do if she got her hands on it.  Excuse me?  Like I am going to die soon and my executor will let this person do stuff to the ashes?  So weird and paranoid.  That's it.  I am done with her forever.  When the keepsake pieces arrive, I will mail them to the family.  No more.  I just cannot deal with this on top of my own disordered life.  

Catching up....

I didn't mean to miss most of May, and all of June and July. 

Still struggling, there are good days an bad.  I try to go to the movies once a week, and I always take little Loki.  My weight is down a bit.  I am still spending too much money.  I have most of the "death chore" done.

In June, we had the regional burn.  I took some of Larry's items, and Fire Tribe ceremonially placed them in his paper urn, which we placed in the Temple, along with several photos.  Watching it burn felt good and right.  The Big Burn is next.

I did go to New Orleans for a Reddit met up of r/widowers.  Five of us had a very fine dinner, and talked and talked.  We shared pictures, and there was a good bit of laughter.  I explored a tiny bit on my own, mostly in the French Quarter.  Beignets at Cafe du Monde, a fantastic brunch at Kingfish.  There's much to do, perhaps I will visit again.'

Prepping for Burning Man, but my heart is not in it.  I am not making decisions for the future now, but the futility is overpowering. 

The oddest things will set me off.  Today it was the ramen spoons in the cupboard.  I only need one now.  As I hot the 11 month anniversary, it is sinking in harder and harder; I will never see Larry again.  Ever.  Perhaps a few appearances in dreams, but I will never have him walk in the back door again, or be fixing and working out in the yard, no comfortable companionable road trips.  No Larry ever.  The reality is harsh.  Some say the second year is harder, and I am beginning to believe it.

Nothing really changes

I read my last post.  In the meantimes, I have been to Mexico, got the yardwork started, did some painting but not much, and put on a few pounds.  I'm up to 215 again.  Got an Alexa Echo Dot, which is excellent for bad jokes and music.  Saw Endgame.  Other than that, everything is still the same.  I am tired, sad, and lonely.  Today is especially heavy.  I just want to sleep.  Odd dreams are better than reality.

Left Behind

Why does the world march on and I just stay stuck here?  I do daily chores, although some better than others.  I avoid the yard, and it really, really needs tending.  My excuse has been rain.  I did get some of the leaves bagged up, but there is so much more.  I cannot pay the kid to mow because I have no cash. 

I did finish one of the paintings I had begun before Larry became so ill.  The second one is very nearly there.  That's something.  Been spending a lot of time in front of screens, watching Marvel movies, Deadpool, random crap.  TWD and Survivor and American Gods.  I still feel empty.  Not sure how much I can care.  GOT is back soon. Meh.  Still haven't done the Affidavit.  I did empty out the drawer and medicine cabinet a little more.  I feel less hoardery now. 

I stopped the Meloxicam.  It got worse and worse.  My blood pressure was up to 140/99.  Not cool at all. 

I miss Larry intensely now.  I want a hug.  I want him bustling out back, making our home nice.  I want to feel his warmth, to listen to his breathing at night.  I used to do that, wake up and just listen to him existing next to me. Now it is so quiet.  Sometimes I wake up the kittens so I can hear them purr.

The long, slow week

This week has lasted longer than any week should.  I think it has been the weather, the new medicines, and the difficult tasks.  Worry over the yard and garden have been no help.  I did get a lot of leaves dragged out of the flowerbeds and from around the tree into the grass.  I know appreciate why Larry was so meticulous about getting every leaf up as soon as he could.  Sitting leaves make a mucky mess and kill the flowers.

Meloxicam gave me the poops on the very first day.  I am optimistic that will not be the case in the long run.  I will need to keep an eye on my blood pressure.  I hate this. My tummy is upset, yet I am starving.  I have no idea how to eat.

Taxes are done, I think I got everything entered correctly.  I get a modest refund, which is always nice.  I do need to be sure there are taxes withheld on my SS and DFAS, or I will be in trouble next year.

Still have not completed the Affidavit of Survivorship.  It is a little complicated, not very, but just enough to throw me off.  I also need more death certificates.  Damn.Where did they all go?

The kittens are stinking cute, active, loving, and pretty much terrific.

Slow going this week

Went to to doc, I have spondylosis of the spine.  Means my L5 is shoved forward and there's arthritis and degeneration.  It is all horrible.  I am one prednisone for a few days, then switch to an NSAID.  This will suck as far as my blood pressure goes.  The prednisone is messing with me, tired, headachey, and moody as hell.  I haven't cried this often for a couple weeks now. 

I did get a yoga for back pain poster taped up in the kitchen.  I have a strap, a bolster, and a couple mats.  Wish me luck.

It doesn't help that I have been working on the Affidavit of Survivorship, which forces me to look at things like his death certificate.  Assembling the tax crap, and I know I need to get a new will done.  I did email a death certificate to Loreto to take him off the account.  That began my weepy spells. 

Prednisone or grief?  Either way, it sucks asswater donekyballs.

Working on the lawn a tiny bit too.  Swapped out the St. Patrick's stuff for the Easter stuff.  Made a shopping list.  Wondering why I am bothering with coupons, there's nothing good for just me.  Looked at the new issue of Food Network.  So many recipes, but what's the point?  I'm not going to go all out just for me. And no, no one is coming over for dinner.  I did put the ingredients for tzatziki on my list.  I make a lot of yogurt,I need to use it up.

Chipping away

Well, I am doing a little of this, a little of that.  I made a doctor's appointment, refilled a prescription, got a couple bills paid, and have begun the process of doing the Affidavit.  All the information I needed was online in my property tax records. 

I have a list.  I often ignore my list, but today I was able to cross off one thing entirely, and a couple things partially.  A start.

I even got out the smaller crockpot, seared the pork for stew chunks, and got some chili verde started.  Kinda, it is thrown together.  Should be yummy with rice.

I need to contact Dallas and ask if he can thatch my lawns.  Basically, that is just a vigorous raking to get up any leftover leaves, weeds, and dead grass.  I cannot do this myself, but I have some serious doubts about Dallas.  He was drinking while raking the leaves last autumn, and when they came to help a little more later, I could tell he was drunk.  His wife drives him around and his vehicles are often out of commission.  I just don't feel good about the whole thing.  He still owes me though, I gave him the snowblower.  Sigh. 

Yesterday I scooped up some leaves, trimmed the lavender, and got a lot of dead crap out of the front flower bed. I do not know if I am going out to do more today.  Maybe.  Maybe just a tiny bit. I am shooting for some each day, and there's a crapton of dead leaves out there.

The kittens are coming to sit in my lap and purr more often.  Lolo is silly, she was in the tub chasing her tail!

The only adult in the room

Me, that's me.  I am the only adult in the room because I am the only human being in the house.  If things are to be done, I get to do them.

Today I ordered and paid for the Affidavit of Survivorship forms and guide.  This is what is needed to take a person off the deed to a parcel of real estate.  You cannot just take the death certificate down the the office and say, I own this plot, he is dead, fix it.  Oh no.  There is a form.  I was intimidated at first, because the sample had stuff I didn't grasp intuitively.  But I looked at our tax records on file and found what was wanted. Hey, that was not so bad.  Now I have to fill out the form I downloaded, print it, and take it to the credit union and have it notarized.  I think I need to take the death certificate too, but that's hardly a surprise.  Next stop would be the County Recorder's Office.  And then I can go cry over beignets at Pig and A Jelly Jar that I am slowly erasing Larry.

Taxes are next.  I have everything but the will to do them.  I can, I just do not want to begin the process.  Soon, though, before April. 

That leaves a will.  I definitely need a new will. 

Fuck, why me?  Fuck cancer, fuck the uncaring universe, and fuck being a widow. 

At least I got the Safeway card in my name.  And the Smith's card.  And I know how to get groceries delivered. 

Anyone want to come thatch my lawns?

Seriously?

I once had a kick-ass immune system.  I never got sick although I had other health issues.  Now it seems as if I leave the house, I catch a damned cold.  Snotfest 2019.  Once for Cancun, and once for California.  My best guess is stress.  Gee.

So, Desi and I hopped in the car and she drive us to California.  We stayed in Los Gatos, which is in between Santa Cruz and San Jose, in the hills, nestled between redwood trees.  Nice.  Rainy and damp, but lovely.  Went on both Winchester House tours, included the behind the scenes one.  I have some theories about that poor crazed widow, and a lot of empathy.  No way is that house haunted with so many people tramping through it all day.  It needs a rest.  The ghost trap room behind the one bathroom was eerie.  They didn't call ti that. but I know what a ghost trap looks and feels like.  That Sarah had the floor completely demolished and hauled away, and the woman kept everything, suggests to me that for whatever reason, she saw or experienced something which horrified her.  They say she shut off the first 30 rooms after an earthquake but what was the timing on the floor being smashed?  It doesn't add up.  Sure, she may have fallen prey to her own demons, but it is creepy as hell.

We also went to a couple state parks and walked through the redwoods.  Fantastic.  Another day, we drove up to the Lick Observatory, the first mountaintop observatory in the US.  Again, fascinating.  It is a lovely area once you get away  from all those people in the valley.

Fading away

We have a Smith's card, good for discounts and specials and the free Friday downloads when they're offered.  Yesterday I changed the card from Larry's name to mine, and updated the phone number.  Small acts such as this make me feel like I am erasing Larry bit by bit.

I think I have found an appropriate avenue for Larry's wonderful clothes.  He has so many interesting outfits, things I have made, vintage cowboy shirts from his dancing days, thrift shop finds, coats, jackets, and generally wonderful burner costumes and unique dress garments.  There is a shop in Salt Lake called iconoCLAD which takes clothing and resells it on commission. 50%, which is quite good.  Research definitely goes into the pricing, so the vintage stuff will not go to waste.  I have given away a lot of nice things to people who will appreciate the connection to Larry, but there's too much, and I could use a little cash.  A yard sale would yield next to nothing, eBay and Etsy are too difficult with shipping, and a thrift shop is dicey because so much could end up in the recycle rag bag.  No, consignment is the way to go.  This will take months, even years, but his things can move on in a way which does not hurt my heart.

Letting go of his wedding shirt will be painful.  His good kilts will go to the Fire Tribe fundraiser.  His brown kilt definitely goes to the Temple. 

Lucky Domino pees on soft throws and blankets.  She hasn't gone on the bedding, but let go when I was wrapped in Larry's quilt and was petting her.  This is no good.  I can't wash things every day! 

Fire Tribe rides again

I definitely wanted to make practice last night, as it was the first time everyone lit up, got used to the dip station, and the safeties practiced putting out live toys, one after the other.  I will be missing practice next week, as Desi and I will be going to the Winchester House.

 My usual ride was out of town, although he had promised to pick me up even if late.  But come late in the afternoon, he was still out of town, delayed by either weather or a new fiancee.  Too late for me to scramble a ride, and my one possibility was ill.  Too late to try the bus either.  That would take hours and did not appeal.  So I packed lightly and called Lyft.  Luckily I got a ride almost immediately and was only 20 minutes late. $38 plus a tip.  I cannot afford that weekly, but now and then it should be alright.  The Art Space is close enough to the airport that most drivers should be able to pick something up on a Sunday evening.  Still, I am annoyed.

Only one person was fussy that I would not pour extra fuel for their special tool.  That's not what we were doing.  Just a quick dip, shake/tap, spin off, light up, take a few moments in the performance area, the put out.  We were using only a single can, not the full station, and had none of the cups or squirt bottles.  No way to fuel an entire double wick staff.  He huffed off, poor baby. Sorry, not sorry.

Even I needed practice, a can I assumed was sealed was not.  I left it open at the station, told P. that everything was copacetic, and he ended up with a spill.  Entirely my fault.  it shall not happen again.

I froze my ass off and was unprepared.  I need a poncho, a flashlight, a good lighter, my first aid kit.  Maybe a multitool and a knife.  And a towel. 

I caught a ride home with someone who lives in a nearby town.  That was nice.  Otherwise I had planned on begging a couch and taking Front Runner home in the morning.  Ugh.

The good thing was three people got a pair of Larry's leather boots.  Wonderful. 

I miss Larry so much though.  So very much.

Treading water or making progress? I cannot tell some days.

I had this whole blog complete, and my wifi crapped out.

Had a couple rough days.  Lots of tv and music and sulking, many tears, much sad.  I hate it.

Still, I made a nice slow cooker stew.  Browned beef, carrots and celery from the freezer.  That means Larry had chopped them up and bagged them, so tears.  Half and onion, some ginger, some garlic, a can of green beans.  I have sooo many green beans, Larry loved them.  Some homemade broth out of the freezer, some Better than Bullion, some good hot paprika, some Ras El Hanout.  Regular paprika is no better than dust, and a fine Ras El Hanout adds such depth!  Yum.  Sad, but yummy.

I want to paint, I tidy up, I get everything ready, but I cannot sit and put brush to canvas just yet.  I will keep trying.

I got the suitcase up into the top of Larry's closet.  Changed the sheets, made the bed, washed everything.  I got one basket of clean clothes put away, one more to go.  I should wash my jeans for fire tribe.  I gained ten pounds and my smaller ones are too tight.  Time to eat better.

I need to make yogurt very soon.  Vacuum, dust.  Tidy.  Write to Sally.  There's another story.  The kittens are still next door, cuddling with their siblings and poor Rowena, who just had foot surgery. 

This is hard.  I hate being this sad, this tired, this lonely.  I am exhausted.  Better, but this is so hard.

Cancun and the weirdness of it all.

Back in 2017, after my surgeries, when I was feeling optimistic and happy about the future, I booked a trip to Cancun for our 32nd anniversary.  We were going to go to Isla Mujeres, go see some of the Mayan ruins we missed before, swim in  a cenote, in the ocean, in each other's arms.  Well that didn't happen.

I went on the trip.  I took a friend, although not a close one.  I caught a bad cold, it rained, my friend did not want to go in the pools, she slept in when I was awake for hours.  Just different people in the same place, sharing the same tours, and some meals.  Pleasant enough, but mismatched.  The pirate ship was a hoot, but the friend is unsmiling in the photo.  Party pooper.  She went through nearly three fifths in the room (gin, Canadian Mist, and most of a vodka).  How is that fun?  The maid decorate the jacuzzi with rose petals.  Romance for one, eh?

New goal is to pack lighter.  Larry carried everything, without complaint.  I cannot. 

Catching up: attending Fire Tribe.  Winter and travel weight gain is bugging me.  I have new kittens, although they are away being spayed just now.  I make lists of things to do and then neglect it all.  I am in a new sad downward spiral.  It will reverse and I will start feeling better, but I do not know when. 

I will post more, in greater detail, when I can.  I feel stuck for now.

Next great adventure is Santa Cruz and the Winchester House!  Traveling with Desi, this should be better.