Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Loopedy loops

I was doing well, then did a crash and burn.  It happens. All my rosy plans for Getting Shit Done circled the drain and crapped out this weekend. At least this week with be sunny and mild, which gives me a chance at finishing the downspouts and doing a bit of winterizing.  The garage roof has a thick blanket of leaves already, that cannot stand.

Yesterday I had my front teeth done.  Holy crap, the initial numbing shots are painful.  Incredibly so. I sprang for laughing gas.  Nice.  And now my teeth look nice.  They did before, but there was some behind the scenes deterioration.

Desi took me to free lunch day at Texas Roadhouse.  A little six inch sirloin, the very yummy rolls, and a glorious baked sweet potato.  I even got mushrooms on my steak.  A pleasant outing.  My mouth was sore and I was exhausted, so I took a long afternoon nap after  a hot bath.  Spent time teaching Alexa more of my favorite music.

I have very nearly finished repairing Rowena's painting which had two puncture wounds,  By no means a professional job, but good enough for a suburban living room.  I can see the imperfections, but will try to not point them all out to her.

I have today off, but I also have Wednesday and Friday appointments.  Lyft is loving me this month.

Edit: what I posted on r/widowers:

Shortly after my husband passed, I made a list, a paper pep talk, a note to self, and posted it in my kitchen. Questions to myself about who I was now, things to strive for, ways forward, reminders. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I just went and looked at it today, as I often do; I am about 14 months out now. I took it down and wrote a new one. Year Two. It is not much different, but I can see what I have let go, what I want, and a reminder that if I want something done, I have to do it myself, or find paid professionals. I can only rely on one friend consistently, she is a true hero, but she is only one human with many demands on her time. That she can carve out hours a week for me is spectacular. So many of us do not have dedicated people who truly show the ways they care in concrete actions. So if I want a chore done, I can't just wait until he comes home to do it like I used to be able to do. I think procrastinating was and is a way to pretend he's just out on the road, that this is just a deployment with an indeterminate extension. No, my heart, he's gone. It hurts, but it is true and inescapable.
So the new list is up, the old one crumpled into a ball. I think I am improving. I have more of these positive moments of clarity. I do more. Oh, I still cry every day, and mope, and have the sads, but I do have better upward trends. Here's to progress in this moment. Hey, I vacuumed, put away the summer sheets, put away the Halloween pumpkins out front, and very nearly have my neighbor's painting repaired. I'm mostly impressed I vacuumed. It hurts my back, and was not my chore. My floors get crunchy. Not today! I guess I am entering the Suck It Up, Buttercup phase. Better than the Soggy Swamp of Tears, which I know I will revisit, but for now, I think I have a foot on solid ground under the quicksand. Fingers crossed.

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