Monday, May 7, 2012


Ah, my poor neglected blog.  I abuse you with whining.

The progress on the weight front is stalled.  I still check into Sparkpeople, but I have not logged my food intake since before we went to Vermont in April. My weight loss was up to ten pounds, but has settled back at seven pounds.  At least the loss I've made is holding steady.  If I keep grazing on snacks, it will not.  I exercise very little these days, I simply am in pain all the time.  Low level pain, but it saps my energy, and hence my motivation to move.  Immobility creates low mood and stiffness, so I know I need to get up and do something, anything.  I need to get out.  I need people, face to face.  It isn't happening.  

Why pain?  This seroma sitting on my new abdominal mesh pulls and pinches constantly.  Hanging down, it jounces when I do water aerobics, walk, or stand.  I can't even lie on my tummy or back.  Sex is a chore of finding least painful positions.  The size of a grapefruit, the seroma sits just under the skin.  The surgeon aspirates it a couple times a month, but it yields very little fluid.  The needle aspiration doesn't hurt, but it isn't pleasant and results in ugly bruising.  More surgery would only bring more risk and complications.  This alien bump is draining my joy for life, and my motivation to do even the most basic chores.  

Oh yes, and then there's perimenopause.  Which means I haven't stopped my periods, but I have begun some of the less fun stages.  Crap.

I'm afraid if I talk to a doctor about my mood and mood swings, I'd be given drugs.  I don't think this general malaise is strictly brain chemicals, I can pinpoint what I'd doing to create my own personal hell.  I don't want pills to dig me out of it.  I've had them, I hate them. Too easy to lean on them and not feel human.  How depressed is too depressed?  Some? Any?  None?  Can't I just feel sad and frustrated with my current situation?  Because this won't last, it can't last.  I know there is always a light at the end of any tunnel.  I just am seriously annoyed with the cobwebs and trudging toward my happy place.


Anonymous said...

Oh Margaret, if you weren't upset with that alien blob invading you, something would be wrong. YES it is okay to be upset and discouraged without needing psychiatric drugs. If you NEED them, that's fine. But if you feel you don't, that's good too. ((hugs)) Debra L.

TK said...

I'm so sorry for the pain and the depression. I know how either can sap the joy and feeling of wanting to do anything right out of your day. I wish you peace and lack of pain and healing and good things. Sappy I know, but just take it one day at a time...or even one hour at a time..and know we're pulling for you. oxox