Tuesday, May 8, 2012

One Small Thing

I've figured out I have to work through the low, slow feelings in increments.  That means this blog will be downright dreary until I find the uphill path.

What little thing set me off today?  Two little things, perhaps.  I asked if I could simply donate to E-11.  Sure.  Give it to a board member in person.  Sounds reasonable.  Except I don't live in SLC.  I feel like a failure because I can't go where I want when I want.  Ride the bus and train to SLC?  Right, right, right.

Second, the color piece on the news is visiting a senior day care center.  They're singing If You're Happy and You Know It.  They're bowling with plastic balls and pins.  I am terrified.

Most of the burner events are held on weekends, in Salt Lake.  I have no way to get down there, and no one commutes who can take me with them.  I don't want to do stuff like spend the night sleeping on couches or the floor, did that, over that.  When Larry's schedule does coincide with events and parties, he's only go the one day off, and has to hit the road early the next day.  Driving an hour to a party, not drinking, then coming back early enough to get some decent sleep?  Not really happening when all the errands, chores, and simply dinking with stuff around the house and yard need to be done too.

We love seeing our friends, but I wonder if I would be missed at all if we quit burning locally.  At one time, I could say emphatically, yes! Now I wonder if anyone remembers who Larry and I are, and what we do.  Time and distance and absence erode away our experiences and opportunities.

So now I feel old and useless because I can't drive.  Learn to drive you say?  Were it only that simple.  I'm terrified to even move the vehicles in the driveway back and forth.  Cold sweats, pounding heart, and my hands shake.  And you want me to manipulate a pile of steel on the streets?

Yes, I am going to the gym today.  To my water aerobic arthritic old person class.

I am not that old, I shouldn't be mouldering in a corner like this.  Something is not right.  Oh yeah, me.  


Anonymous said...

Much, if not most, of your restrictions are driving. Perhaps it is time to face the demon, get help for the phobia and overcome it. Because as much as the restrictions is the chipping away at your self-esteem that you don't overcome it. The rest, I suspect, is just band-aids on a bigger issue so even when you get rides, you still have the "can't drive" thing on your back.
Debra L.

MaggieMayDay said...

I've had many teachers and many learner permits. Even the most pleasant person who knows how to work with a fearful beginner won't take me out a second time. I do know how to do the desensitization and relaxation techniques.
What is .. weird, interesting... is I have many relatives, cousins, second cousins, aunts, nieces, who also cannot or do not drive. Dozens, mostly female, all on mom's side of the family. And it isn't like we were all raised near each other and learned the behavior from each other. I found out about most of them not all that long ago. I have one cousin who must take Xanax in order to deal with driving in California. That hardly seems safe. Makes me really wonder what's up in our brains.