Comeon, kid....

My will to get on the garage roof to sweep is fading fast.  I thought I could use the tree ladder, but it is too heavy for me to move at all.  I guess I can use the telescoping ladder in the shed, but I am unconvinced.  It is a tricky beast.  Yesterday I worked on the front flowerbed, got it about half done, and I was wiped out.  I was too shaky for the roof.  Today?  I don't know what is wrong.  Sleep was uneven, in two shifts with music and tea in the middle of the night.  I woke up at six, fed the cats, had coffee, went next door and fed Rowena's cats.  Got dressed when Juan showed up to do the yard.  Been online looking at money and bills and am just dragged down by it all.  Got a few things paid, looked up and checked in on other financial things.  Ordered a tall step ladder which means I can do stuff in the backyard without the tall ladder, like clean the patio gutters.  Got an appointment to clean the dryer vent.

The truck is away being detailed.  That bumper crunch looks like it did bend the metal. I do not want to deal with it.

Ogden Uncon is cancelled and refunds are being offered, but I cannot find my email saying I bought an advanced ticket for $50.  No email.  I may be out.

Sent in a refund request to my CC for that stupid fold up scootery thingy.  I may be out money for that. Dammit.

Did get my cube refund, good.

Got my felted leaves so I can do my arm warmers.  Nice.

Made a payment on one of my outstanding debts.  I get airline miles, and I will use them.  San Diego in February.

Orrin got my new LED fixture installed.  Holy crap, the basement is a mess now that I can see it.  More to deal with. 

Maybe I am ready for Hawaii.

Well, that's not exciting.

Turns out I have cataracts.  I knew I was not seeing as well, but I correct to 20/20, so it was nebulous.  Huh.  Now that I know, I can "see" the big one.  In dim light, if there is an indicator light, or the projected time on my ceiling. I can move the cataract in front of it, and the light vanishes.  Weird.  I will have surgery in January.  Surgeries.  The bad news is I just got glasses at America's Best, haven't even picked them up yet, and I will not need them in the long run.  I can have tinted lens put in though, I will still need sun glasses. 

Other good news is the dermatologist says none of my moles and assorted barnacles are worrisome.  I should go in annually for a look-see though. 

On Thursday I have the mammogram, on Friday, the CT scan.  Joy.

Today I will try to sweep the garage roof.  Joy joy.

Loopedy loops

I was doing well, then did a crash and burn.  It happens. All my rosy plans for Getting Shit Done circled the drain and crapped out this weekend. At least this week with be sunny and mild, which gives me a chance at finishing the downspouts and doing a bit of winterizing.  The garage roof has a thick blanket of leaves already, that cannot stand.

Yesterday I had my front teeth done.  Holy crap, the initial numbing shots are painful.  Incredibly so. I sprang for laughing gas.  Nice.  And now my teeth look nice.  They did before, but there was some behind the scenes deterioration.

Desi took me to free lunch day at Texas Roadhouse.  A little six inch sirloin, the very yummy rolls, and a glorious baked sweet potato.  I even got mushrooms on my steak.  A pleasant outing.  My mouth was sore and I was exhausted, so I took a long afternoon nap after  a hot bath.  Spent time teaching Alexa more of my favorite music.

I have very nearly finished repairing Rowena's painting which had two puncture wounds,  By no means a professional job, but good enough for a suburban living room.  I can see the imperfections, but will try to not point them all out to her.

I have today off, but I also have Wednesday and Friday appointments.  Lyft is loving me this month.

Edit: what I posted on r/widowers:

Shortly after my husband passed, I made a list, a paper pep talk, a note to self, and posted it in my kitchen. Questions to myself about who I was now, things to strive for, ways forward, reminders. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I just went and looked at it today, as I often do; I am about 14 months out now. I took it down and wrote a new one. Year Two. It is not much different, but I can see what I have let go, what I want, and a reminder that if I want something done, I have to do it myself, or find paid professionals. I can only rely on one friend consistently, she is a true hero, but she is only one human with many demands on her time. That she can carve out hours a week for me is spectacular. So many of us do not have dedicated people who truly show the ways they care in concrete actions. So if I want a chore done, I can't just wait until he comes home to do it like I used to be able to do. I think procrastinating was and is a way to pretend he's just out on the road, that this is just a deployment with an indeterminate extension. No, my heart, he's gone. It hurts, but it is true and inescapable.

So the new list is up, the old one crumpled into a ball. I think I am improving. I have more of these positive moments of clarity. I do more. Oh, I still cry every day, and mope, and have the sads, but I do have better upward trends. Here's to progress in this moment. Hey, I vacuumed, put away the summer sheets, put away the Halloween pumpkins out front, and very nearly have my neighbor's painting repaired. I'm mostly impressed I vacuumed. It hurts my back, and was not my chore. My floors get crunchy. Not today! I guess I am entering the Suck It Up, Buttercup phase. Better than the Soggy Swamp of Tears, which I know I will revisit, but for now, I think I have a foot on solid ground under the quicksand. Fingers crossed.

More than the leaves are turning. One hopes.

I feel as if I am turning some kind of corner.  Oh, I am still sad and procrastinating, I miss Larry intensely all the time, and life still feels as if I have lost my compass, identity and the point of it all.  Perhaps I am a touch less sad, a little more resigned to reality.  Maybe.  I still play solitaire and binge watch shows for hours on end.  But I swept the floor and worked on Rowena's painting, and dug out the stuff to fix up the crappy arm warmers I got in the mail.  Dribs and driba, but a few more each week.

Today I went into the basement to fetch my flashlight, and the container of tiny porcelain animals for a project.  I got the dryer going, took out the big trash, put the trash bags where I could find them easier, moved some stuff around.  I tossed the dozen or so bags of flavored masrshmallows Larry had bought to make his rice crispy treats.  They were end of year stock in 2017 anyway.  Pumpkin spice, gingerbread, vanilla.  I'd gotten rid of the cereal early, it doesn't keep.  I won't make the treats for myself, and if I make fudge, those were too stale.  I use the jar stuff.  I do have a couple jars on hand, and butter in the freezer.  Now that the weather has cooled, I can make fudge.  It is not a summer thing at all. 

The whole point is I was able to toss the marshmallows without feeling overly wasteful or guilty.  A bit, and I feel weepy, but am not actually crying. Maybe.

Good morning, Ogden!

Let's Make a Deal isn't even over and I have already finished one big chore: calling the VA.  I hate calling the VA, but if I do, it saves me a couple thousand each year in property taxes. 

I looked up a coffee cake recipe, after all, I do have an unopened box of Bisquick.  I found another frozen jar of chili bean stewp,so that is thawing.  I add other beans and veggies to it in the small slow cooker, that makes something like four or five meals.  There's a ground turkey chub thawing too, but I might just fry it up and put it over rice. The rice is sitting on the counter now, I need to use it up, so I put it in a very inconvenient place.   I am motivated to make meals from what I have in the pantry and freezer! 

I have my commissary list done, concentrating on the foods I need for the whole lower my cholesterol gig.  Lots of tuna, nuts, and oatmeal.  Applesauce.  Frozen veggies.  Guac.  I cannot digest fresh leafy greens, and buying salad fixings and fresh veggies for one picky eater means a lot of waste later.  I can skip the mac salad for a while, and go with darker (and less) chocolate.  Less ice cream too.  Meh, it's winter.

All my appointments came in, five total in November before Thanksgiving!  Teeth, eyes, dermatology, mammo, and a CT scan.  Whoa.  Busy, busy.  And LMAD is still on!

Now if I could only recall what I originally got online for, before I began looking up coffee cake recipes.

And even more ...

Ah, cavities and wear, I have a filling appointment, a referral to an eye doc and a dermatologist, my mammo scheduled, and waiting for a call from radiology about the CT approval.  I might not be keen about self-care as much as I should be here at home, but I will certainly get the professionals on board!

Seeing Dr. Carabine was as unfortunate as I feared.  I came home and binge watched shows on Netflix and Amazon.  Hungry, as usual.  I did go chat with the neighbor.  She's having the wall between the kitchen and living room removed, it will look great.  I have no idea how they afford all this, they're older than I am, he's still working but she is retired, and she's always worried about money.  I guess being happy in your home is important.  I guess if I wanted work done, I could do a home equity loan, and let the future take care of itself once I pass on.  Ha.  Nah, I'm going to let this place tumble down around my ears and someone can do an amazing flip later.

Next task is to get the eating back on track.  Cold weather means I am hungry all the time, and the time change doesn't help.  Better choices for the cholesterol is a must.  More tuna and oatmeal, I am doing well enough with nuts; I need a nut cup, otherwise I tend to graze.  More chicken and turkey and good fish in the freezer for sure; I am going through the old pork loins slowly.  Winter means chili though, that will help.  Legumes are good.  More veggies, frozen will be my friend.  Cooking solo veggies is difficult otherwise.  I still have sooo many green beans in cans, last of Larry's stock up.  They make me sad, they were out favorite side when throwing dinner together.  Sad beans it is.

Got poor old Harry a boarding reservation for December.  Poor old guy.

Big money day today.  Caught up on the debit balance, paid a CC, paid property tax (what little I do pay), paid down on a loan, paid a couple maintenance fees.  Gah.  I spend too much.  Now I need to question whether I want roof lights up for Christmas or not, that's not exactly cheap.  Cheapish though, and it makes me happy.

Appointments and more appointments

So many places to be.  Eyes, teeth, my pre-annual and my annual.  A well woman exam is on the schedule.  Labs and blood drawn, of course.  No surprise my AC1 is 6, and my cholesterol is high.  Doc is talking anti-depressants, which agitates and energizes me.  Teeth need a filling in the front.  Got the same glasses, just a different prescription, but not much.  The Ray-Bans I like are the last frame in stock, so I got a nice discount. 

Massage appointment too, I really am glad I get to go back to Lindsey instead of Hannah.  Hannah is nice, she's competent, but she does not hit the right note for me.  There's weirdness on the left side of my neck, pain and odd knots.I guess I need to tell the doc about that too.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Carabine about the hernia.  I know I will cry, he doesn't know Larry has died.  Last time he saw Larry was my surgery last year.  I get stressed when I have to tell someone new.

I got my mammogram letter.  Joy.  Another appointment to make.

I found a therapist online who looks promising, takes Tricare, and is within walking distance.  A possibility if I can get a referral and if he is taking patients.

Must make reservations for Harry to be boarded when I go to Maui.

Getting a quote on putting up the Christmas lights.

I need a haircut.

Why am I so very hungry?